Monday, March 8, 2010

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget.

The clock strikes 12, it's the 8th of March. Today marks our very special day, but you're no longer here to stay. I spent the whole of last night tossing and turning around on my bed, the place where you used to lay, as my mind wandered in the still darkness of my bedroom while the four walls created boundaries for my body. Repeated flashbacks are still so vivid in my mind. I was becoming disorientated in a world that i had once seen with vision as clear as crystal. Everything was changing, for the better now.

Few months ago, he left without a trace for me to move on and to pick up the pieces back alone. Somehow i wish i had taken out a pen and notepad and listed everything as he bellowed at me in his tirade of hate. In the initial dark lonely nights that followed, i always wonder if i ever gave in to my tight philosophy, would i make things all right? Would i wake up in the morning to see him lying next to me again? Would the scar on the left hand have healed from where the razor blade has landed? Would the list of things about me that he hated so much be the very things he loved?

But i no longer need to know the answers. They do not concern me anymore. Even though i have not completely gotten over him yet, but i knew he's happily living out there without me. And it's the same here. Now that the endless nightmares are no longer endless, i actually could taste freedom. It is as if a whole load of burdens lifted off my shoulder and that i could now spread my wings and fly. Maybe this selfish decision of him to brutally leave is the best solution for the both of us so that we no longer has to feel caged. ( But maybe, just maybe, my instincts and sixth sense are creeping him up. Probably he's afraid of getting caught red handed, who knows. heh. )

Tho he made my heart crumbles like the egg tart and tho the pain he left was excruciating, i was left with no choice but to move on with life. Never had i once thought that i could be this strong. And the fact that it was too late to realize i was only his puppet on strings all these while, i never thought that i'm way better off without him now.

Anyway, thank you to whoever that bitch so much about me to him or vice versa. Here's to all the lies-or-truth, here's to all the promises-and-broken-promises, here's to all the cheatings-or-no-cheats, here's to all the words-spoken-or-unspoken, here's to all the bittersweet-memories, here's to you-and-me. It's all said and done but i still hope that somewhere at the back of your mind you'll remember today.

"Today was a fairytale
You were the prince
I used to be the damsel in distress
You took me by the hand and you pick me up at six
Today was a fairytale.

Today was a fairytale
I wore a dress
You wore a dark grey t-shirt
You told me i was pretty when i look like a mess
Today was a fairytale
Time slows down whenever you're around.

But can't you feel this magic in the air
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when i saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today, two years back was a fairytale."

- Taylor Swift.

I believe God has better plans for us and i'm contented with what i have now. :)

God bless you.

*And oh, Happy International Women's Day!*

I wonder as i wander
Do you still think about me?


kenwooi said...

at first when i was reading i thought someone passed away.. but actually.. a breakup i guess?

anyway, move on and be strong =)

Sophia Lai said...

it's worse than that, kenwooi. but yeap, getting stronger now. i'm better off without him. =)

neway, thanks for dropping by yea~! ^.^